Beauty Through Broken Hearts

"Distorted Mind" by Eunice Rabino

As long as we breathe, our life's going to be a hell of a story. There will be million of times when you will feel disappointed, disrespected, disintegrated. You will be back-stabbed. People will cheat on you. People will leave you. And that is just...what it is.

People are cruel. People are selfish. But there are circumstances where, it is not meant to happen but it just actually happened. Sometimes, you just can't be enough for someone. They will get tired of you. They will not want to be with you anymore. You will feel insecure. You will feel troubled, but that's absolutely normal. Everyone experiences that. You are not alone.


You obviously know that when something bad happened, when something pushed you down, you stand up. You get on your own feet and move on. You sit down and watch everything burn.

But what if you have an illness. You literally got no friends. You feel so helpless. And your ultimate solution is suicide. What will you do?



        I've met this guy when my depression and anxiety is severely attacking me from time to time. I finally got a companion, I thought. I know we were playing at first. I expected things that I know will soon to happen because we are young and still had a long way to run. But as the time goes by, I took him - everything - seriously. I made plans with him. I never thought of killing myself when I'm with him. I actually prayed deep inside that I want to live longer if that means I will always be with him. I fought myself, my illness. I'm in the process of making myself good enough. I wanted to be good enough. He gave me reasons. He promised. And his words encouraged me. And I believed.
It was only more than two months but for me it was everything. I know something bad will happen sooner or later. I prepared myself for that.
But it turns out that I am not.
He changed. He was no longer the person I thought he was. But I still accepted and believed. And then suddenly, he became that person he said he will never be.
All my expectations happened. Because humans. But I never really expected that it will be this sooner. I expected for more. For him to wait until I'm fully grown up. Until I can finally handle things. I never knew his side but even if he did that, I still believe he is a good person. Even if he did that.


You see, you can't really put all your trust and dreams in humans. They are liars, murderers, cruel. Selfish. Just like you. Just like what you did to some other people.
You are on your own. Don't let the people who wanted to become your hero deceive you. Don't give everything to the point that there's nothing left for yourself. You are an individual.

And despite all this negativity, there is still beauty. Make this world a little more better place to live on before you leave. That is what I believe. You see, I don't want to hate people. I'm sad and broken but I don't want to take revenge. Because I wanted to make this world a little more lovelier. It's ironic, I know. You are on your own, yet you are not alone. You shouldn't trust people, yet you should love them. This is a world filled with broken people and shattered dreams but it is still a beautiful place. You shouldn't be selfish but you should not loathe yourself. You can hate what they did to you but you should not blame them. Humans are a living paradox.

I know everyone can't have a thinking to make this world a better place after being disintegrated. It's impossible.
So I want to start it in myself.
And pass it on to you.

It's hard. Words are not enough. But remember, there is someone out there who secretly - and really - loves you. You are not alone. You may feel you are right now. But you have come to this point. Will you give up?

My secret when I really can't take it? I actually believe that there is a God. I believe inside my heart. Even if I'm like this. I can fully understand what you are feeling right now, believe me. I've been f*cked up for more than seven years.

There is still beauty. There is still an art in it. There is still something to look forward to. Even if you are struggling to get up each and every passing day.

Give thanks to the ones who hurt you. There are lots of them. And show them that you have a beautiful mind and a warm heart. What's the point? Not only you did something good for the humanity, you made yourself a matured being.

Remember: You are better than this.